Love As Thou Wilt

It’s days like today that convince me that I never should have left Orlando. I was miserable and suicidal, but at least I could see a doctor when I got sick or borrow a parents car instead of having to humiliate myself by asking people for rides. My asthma is in full force and I didn’t sleep last night because I couldn’t stop coughing for more than five minutes.
I finally just got out of bed at around 7 so Gio could get some sleep and decided to go to the school clinic bright and early to see the nurse and get a script for a steroid inhaler, and of corse there’s a big fat sign on the door-” The nurse is NOT in today.” the receptionist was so sweet, when she saw my face and I told her what was wrong, she have me her personal blend f essential oils to help me breathe, and it does help a little.
So I called my insurance company to get a list of doctors I could see, and I got so excited that there were people who accepted my insurance here… Then I called every doctor on the list and was told they DON’T accept my insurance and that my insurance company needs to update their list. And now I’m here crying and thinking about how I never should have left since obviously I am incompetent and can’t be a successful adult.
I feel so useless sometimes. I’ll lay in bed for hours and think about how much of a failure I am and cry. I know this hopelessness will pass but right now it’s awful. I just want to breathe without coughing up my entire respiratory system. Fuck.